Coyote Confessions: Cologne Bandit Part 2

Remember this: Wait for it and milk it.

I decided I would visit the first person on my Cologne Bandit list. I didn't have to go far. I pulled up in the yard. When the guy came out, I pointed to the steps, told him to take a seat, and that I had business with him.  The wife was on her way out the door to work.

He sat down. I asked him, "Do you rent or own the land behind my deer stand?" He told me, he owned it.

I said, "Yesterday, I heard an ATV down there." He seemed annoyed and said, "I was down there and heard a lawnmower."

Of course, I was on the golf cart initially and he didn't know I was there. I timed him an hour or so before the sound of the lawnmower. He kinda told on himself.

I could now place him in the area, yet I had not relayed the cologne smell. I looked him in the eye, with as much mischief as I could muster and said, "Wow, we were cutting the grass down at the pond. I drove into some cologne. It went right in my mouth. Did you smell anything like that?"

My inner demon was belly-rolling with laughter. Of course, this doesn't explain the Cigarette Smoking Man.

He lowered his eyes and stared at me under his ridges. I told him I thought someone was back in the woods. To be fair to his daughter, who sunbathes in the yard, I wanted to let him know, he might have a pervert spying on his house. He didn't seemed bothered by this and then tried to shift the blame off onto the surrounding neighbors. I relayed further information. The pressure was on.

I relayed one of his relatives said to me, "You have a secret admirer in the woods."

I did say to him, I couldn't tell him what to do on his property. He couldn't tell me what to do on the one I was haunting. I wanted to help him pass on my concerns to his little group on that corner road, who lives with the idea I am unaware of their doings.

I also gave him a way out by diverting the questions off to something else. I told him I didn't feel like I should have to worry that someone is menacing me in my area. I did say that it could be someone else just to be fair but he was in the area at the time. He did tell me there were other people that rented property that abutted his. I told him these things only happened during deer season.

I felt I should warn whoever it was in advance that walking in the treeline on property they are trespassing on could get them seriously hurt or worse.  It is bad enough I could be walking on my father's property and someone shoot over in his area; wounding or killing me.

I was just taking precautions. There are times in life when you have to let people know you are not the idiot child of the stick people tribe.

He finally dodged me and walked to the door proclaiming, "Let's go get some supper."

I backed out the yard and drove away; with a plan. The only thing playing in my mind was Mikey and Mouth, from Goonies, yelling at Data, "Slick shoes? Are you crazy?"


Written by: W Harley Bloodworth

~Courtesy of the AOFH~

To Catch A Cologne Bandit.

Remember this:  Never underestimate a person who is up to no good.

I went to the small patch of woods to ascertain if the ground was too wet to cut the grass in a field. On the way up the path, I heard the sound of an ATV of sorts. I crept through the woods. I determined no one had driven in from the main entrance. I thought about going up one of the fire breaks, but it was downed by some trees. I decided to push some oak logs with my foot while I waited. The motor stopped. I waited a while but then decided to take the golf cart and head down the dirt road. I wanted to visualize the person behind this noise. I never found them. I went out to the main road and passed the church. The church was just beginning to take on worshippers for the nightly service.  I went back to the house.

I decided I was being silly. When I thought about all the crappy things done to me last year, I decided to shake it off. I devised a different plan.

I wanted to cut the grass thinking the person was gone. I trolled down the lane with the dog. I cut half the road but when I got back to the area where I was previously, a shadow darted into the trees. A taste filled  my mouth that almost made me gag. I could not hear retreating footfalls due to the lawnmower motor.

This gave me two clues. The first clue was the expensive cologne taste lacing my tongue and hitting me in the face. The second clue was the darting shadow.

I stopped the lawnmower. Someone must be getting an early start skunking stands, because gun season for deer starts September 1. I thought about the people who were probably bow-hunting back across the field.

The only way I would have a cologne taste in my mouth were if the person, in the wind against my face,  poured out an expensive bottle of oily cologne or wore it.  Given the rain constantly hitting the ground, someone wasted a bottle of cologne. When the deer came out of the woods, I should have known someone was walking in them.

As for the identity of the culprit, the only telltale clue is: the perpetrator has to come from the abutting cow pasture that is less than five steps from beneath my deer stand.  This person has to have access to that field in order to trepass onto the property that I stood on. I saw one of them coming from that corner yesterday.

Given I should be worried some man is stalking me in the woods, I thought this wasn't the motive for the day. Usually, the Creeper stands in the trees at the edge of the horse pasture smoking a cigarette. I think the person didn't know I was in the woods, but decided to do a walk through while spraying Hi-Karate.

When I considered who these guilty people or persons might be, they are the kind of crazy folks that will kill a deer just to hang its guts on the ladder of your stand. It is one-hundred fold if one of them has a liking for you and you rebuff his advances. If they are willing to spray perfume, they might be willing to tap me in the back of the head. You never know.....

I sat wondering what I could do about this. This happens all the time to hunters. A neighbor or stranger cases your property to determine when a good time would be to trespass. The thought doesn't strike them that they might get caught.  When they do, if you turn them in, they are worse when they are released from jail. There are people that like to tempt fate. They think they will never get caught or hurt. Last year, one man was so ballsy he came right out and asked me, did I quit hunting yet.

What was I to do? I have one old game camera with a night flash. I need something with night vision that can't be detected, no matter what time. I am not sure what to do about these people. I don't want to fight with neighbors but they seem to want to spite me. I entertained the idea I should not hunt this year. I am tired of it always being a bad experience; usually caused by men. I laugh at this but.... I have decided I don't think much of men.

It did bother me someone was in my woods, either spraying or wearing cologne; probably on their way to sit in church to worship God for the night. I hope God teaches them a lesson.

What do I do?

The silver lining is my habitat, in all its unkempt glory, has finally become a home for wild duck. Took it almost five years but if you build it, they will come.



Written by: W Harley Bloodworth

~Courtesy of the AOFH~