Identity

Remember this: Your identity is who you innately are. An activity is something you perform, or take part in.

As of today, I have not purchased my hunting license. The weather has been wet with a barrage of red bugs and mosquitoes. I have not seen deer or heard gunshots. There is just this uneasy feeling within me akin to something missing. My way of dealing with these emotions are to revert to nonchalance and caring less. I was in a pickle.

Is it my aversion to not wanting another bad experience? Who doesn't?

I wished I could purge what truly plagues me right now, but this wouldn't be a prudent thing. It is just the offending thorn in my paw and a problem I wish would finally resolve itself.

Lately, I have seen posts where several people reported their hunting was hindered for various reasons. When I examined people who were not experiencing this issue, there was an undertone concept underlining the attitude. I reflected on myself and other hunters.

What people identify with in terms of the self was a mystery I was toying with when it comes to hunters. Identity seems to be a mysterious woman that comes and goes with no clues left behind. Only a glass with lipstick or a photo of a woman with shades. Who or what is it? Why can it seemingly disappear, then when the truth illuminates it, a clearer image emerges with even more complicated or simplistic definitions. Mirrors are not even able to distinguish between the truth and the image. The truth lurks down in the recesses of the mind. A card catalog of life events, with meanings, distortions, revelations, and lies. Illusions dress it up and enshroud it in half-truths until the glass breaks and then an ooze drips from the fractures to reveal a hostage of expectation.

Whether it is a truth of yours or not, you will see proclamations from other hunters that hunting is their life's blood. For some, it is their secondary religion. I believe in good gourmet chocolate, heathen that I am. Others prostrate to their followers it is their passion or soul's glue; without it they are nothing. This is done to the disregard of other people whom are just as passionate, if not more so. Followers flock to these types, I would think, because of the shared ideal of complete submersion in an activity's elevation to something more than it is. These followers mimic the patterns of the person they are enamored with and will protect and fight for the stranger with a shared ideal of hunting.

The practice of emulating other hunters that are elevated by social media, endeavors, television, and writings is not a bad thing, as long as it doesn't harm the person's psyche. Hunters of the world can vary in their personal identities. Followers can mimic the object of their affection or idolatry. When you begin to take on another person's identity as your own, when it is not you, should be given great reflection, experimentation in your personal likes and dislikes, and branching out on your own without the influence of a stranger you do not know. Illusions are conjured all the time by less than experienced magicians.

I started examining one of my truths of identity. A truth is something that is a fact and part of your reality even if other people do not like it. It is not for others to like it but to acknowledge your truth.

In 2007, I lost everything maintained by the material world. Like a slow growing moss, I didn't realize how these problems bled into my non-material realm. A series of events after one prayer, ended in more disaster than one could ask for. I was a job title without a name, working for a greatly flawed pillar of the community. I was killing myself at a hard labor job to support my child with no public assistance, child support, or significant other. This didn't make me better or worse than anyone else because all people have their sufferings. It just is what it is. You have to cope because functioning is not an outlet. I do the work and reflect more on my inner self. I forgot myself instead of lost myself. Being so busy ,you pass yourself. Passing yourself is not a good thing.

There are also people that will attempt to turn you into a good little soldier for their benefit. You come out looking like a pod person from the planet Mars that repeats the same thing ad nauseum. Take me to your leader; take me to your leader.

Long periods of extreme, even pressure will do odd things to a human mind. Consider Elk. Creatures do strange and almost epic things under pressure thereby astonishing people when their truth is discovered or spoken.

Here I will interject, it is not the fact that you can't be a single parent with a child and not support yourself. It is the grueling, non-supported wear it takes on your energy and psyche when you realize that there is nothing and no one to help you. If you can't stay afloat, there are some that will lend you a hand and some willing to step on your fingers to watch you drown while they laugh. Others believe it is a warranted punishment for some sin you must or have commited, when in fact it is the residue of cause and effect.

Everyone needs support, even people you dislike and dislike you. Being spiteful is counterproductive and a waste of effort. My support came in the form of a suggestion by my therapist at the time. She tasked me with trying different things regardless of whether they failed or not. I was to build or construct something representative of an aspect of myself or something I was doing. If I were to hold up a picture of something for the world to see, what would it be? Would they understand it? It didn't matter if the world cared, as long as I did.

Of course, there were people that had no clue to this. They only look at the superficial, while having no intentions of forming any kind of short or long term bond with you. There were times other peoples' behavior almost made me reel against my creation. I would destroy it and start over while  never getting anywhere.  I finally decided to pull the bandage off while ripping away the scab of things. New scabs form. Life is a progression like that.

People displace off onto the nearest or what they consider the strongest person. You've proven yourself able to take it; whatever it is. We look at others as indestructible when they are borderline disasters waiting to happen. What if you have reached your threshold for worldly poisons? A human body and soul does have it's limits. That limit, when reached, has to dissipate of it's own accord. We place things on ourselves and other people that shouldn't be there, especially long term.

Due to this life event, I spent several months in therapy suffering from other long standing problems and identity loss. I loved my work in veterinary medicine so much that I took a hit when I was no longer in that field of employ. I suffered some trauma as well due to an accident not of my making. I look back now and realized I missed the diagnostics, the procedures, the patients, clients, and the distraction most of all. Work saw me through any hurtful problem by distracting me from things I could not control. The quality and quantity of my capabilities were centered around medicine of some sort. I took great pride in my work, how people appreciated that I cared, and my ability to move forward even in an emergency situation. I learned how to cut through the crap and find the real problem. Ergo, the solution at hand.

When my son graduated, I wanted to do something for myself. I wanted to do one hunt and then call it quits because I was limited, which is okay. I was talking to this nice hunt broker and mentioned it to him. He asked me did I have amnesia, which will tell you how under the radar this problem is. Identity loss doesn't indicate you are crazy, you just identified with an inappropriate activity. Veterinary medicine was an activity I took part in. It wasn't who I was. After veterinary medicine left, I was still present. I didn't go away, the work did.

It is the same with hunting. You are no more or less a person when you are not participating directly in the sport. Again, there are hunting participants that yodel how they want to be inclusive, then when pressed you learn they aren't really going to do that.  They can't be caught looking bad either; reputation and all. You find other things to do that will bring you just as much joy. This predicament could also put you on the path of something you can love just as much. Enrichment can come from many different sources. As humans, we need to be viable and active.

It could or could not be hard, when we see other people endeavoring in a sport that we no longer can participate in. A truth here is: if you are lucky then things do not stay the same forever. At some point, the tide will turn for your benefit or against it. Either way, in the long run you will see the wisdom of the thing that blocks you, if you give it a chance.

I then reflected on my non-participation. I could wait it out until it gets cooler to avoid the bugs then see what happens. I could also let other people have their turn at a deer. I could spend sometime not staying in the woods isolating myself and actually speak to other human beings. I could do a lot of things. Once you realize your time is now open to doing something else, you could accomplish all kinds of things. Not hunting, is not the end of the world. It is just a temporary chapter in your life or an avenue to do something just as important.

If you have ever felt you have lost something intangible that you considered a part of yourself, think again. If you see someone that might be having difficulty, in a nice respectful way, offer some help with no pressure. Sometimes they just want to know you actually acknowledge their existence.

Building a new identity should be given great care. Completely stealing another person's will not last because it is not you. It is theirs. Selecting the parts of your identity should be given as much scrutiny as you would if you were buying expensive haute couture.  Resurrecting or building a new identity takes a lot of patience and asking  yourself the questions that hurt you the most then finding answers. Other peoples' suggestions on what they think you are should be taken into consideration, but ultimately you are the decision-maker on your innards and outtards. Be brave but be truthful with yourself.

Do not be discouraged because you are not like everyone else. That is the beauty of it. You are not. Go forth and be different if you want.

As for me, hunting is an activity I take part in. It is not who I am, it is something I do. I can't expect others to agree with this. That is their path. My truth is much deeper than hunting yet hunting helps me to visit that place where it exists. I am quite happy with that.

Explore who you are, could be, and will be. Your life is short but there are many hours in it. Those hours could be spent creating, constructing, and implementing a grand design for yourself that speaks of you to others. Why would you wear the outer shell of someone else?

~Courtesy of the AOFH~